


Holding Heaven On Your Shoulders

by Everyday_Im_Preaching



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 15:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11420925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everyday_Im_Preaching/pseuds/Everyday_Im_Preaching
Summary: Some things weigh heavier on us than others.





	Holding Heaven On Your Shoulders

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there everybody! It's been awhile, hasn't it?  
> if you enjoy this, I'd appreciate a comment below!

 

In the winter, the evenings on Aya became cold and unyielding—chilly winds attempted to pry their way into buildings, slipping between cracks and shoving at closed doors. The coldest nights always played host to the full moon, heavy and crowning in the sky with hands made of stars reaching to cup it. It was a night like this that Ryder found herself sitting on the steps of Evfra's home, staring up at the dark blanket of space above her. Even after all this time, the sky seemed so _big._ So indescribable and _endless_ above her.

“What are you doing out here?” Evfra's voice interrupted her quiet meditation; Ryder's head swiveled to look up at the angaran, allowing a small, soft smile to unfurl on her lips. She blinked at him, eyelids heavy with sleep as she did so. Evfra let out a disgusted sigh. “It's too cold for stargazing.” He continued to chastise, moving to sit beside her. Ryder scoot over to allow him room, half hanging off the side of the step. Evfra filled the space easily and slid an arm around her waist, tugging her close.

“Aren't the stars beautiful, though?” Ryder asked; her body shuddered as Evfra's heat reached her, warming her considerably. Evfra let out a quiet noise of agreement, gently stroking Ryder's shoulder. “I want to be reincarnated as one, I think.”

“A star? Wouldn't you be lonely?” Evfra questioned, eye ridge rising quizzically. Ryder shrugged, turning so she could better prop herself against him. “I imagine that someone like you would languish amongst them. You aren't one for isolation.” As punctuation to his argument, he pressed a kiss to her cheek, smoothing his lips across it in a whisper. Ryder chuckled, reaching a hand up to cup his face in her palm and pull it away from her.

“But Evfra—I've spent so long exploring them. Don't you think it'd be romantic?” Ryder asked, squeezing his face lightly and causing his lips to pucker. He grabbed her hand loosely and tugged it free, only to press it against his cheek. “A little bit?”

“I think that _you_ are a romantic. Which means that your ideas, by default, are romantic in nature.” Evfra turned his face to press a kiss to Ryder's palm.

There was a quiet silence wherein they sat together, staring up at the sky with a dozed focus. Ryder's eyes flit from star to star, smiling as the winked at her. Evfra made sure to keep her warm, occasionally giving the arm around her waist a squeeze and remaining as close as possible.

“What's on your mind?” Evfra finally asked quietly, voice barely a whisper against her ear. “You only come out here this late when something is bothering you.” Ryder shrugged gently, leaning so that she could press her cheek against the ledge of flesh that jutted out from his upper chest. Evfra pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“I couldn't sleep.” Ryder finally said, watching leaves bend gently in the evening breeze. She let her eyes drop to look at the tiled pathway that wound it's way through the residential district. Ryder brought up a hand and pressed her palm to one of her eyes, rubbing at it. “My thoughts were too loud. So I came out here to clear my head.”

Evfra let out a soft grunt, readjusting so that he could lean back against the top step.

“And what thoughts were so pressing that they prevented you from falling asleep?” He asked, slipping his hand from her shoulder so that it could trail down her spine. Evfra's thick fingers counted every scar as they went. His touch drifted from one side of her back to the other, letting his memory guide his hand. Some of the scars were new, and others were old. But they all helped make Ryder the woman she was. The woman that Evfra _loved._

“They aren't important.” Ryder told him, slumping forward as his hand wandered lower.

“Sara—I want to make something clear. You are allowed your privacy.” His hand splayed itself across her lower back, massaging the tension from the area. “But we are a _team._ And that means that _your_ worries are mine. You can speak to me.”

Ryder slumped forward even further, rubbing at the back of her neck with one of her hands. A sigh escaped her, and she shook her head. Evfra sat back up, hooking his arm around her waist and balancing his chin on her shoulder. His other hand smoothed down her thigh, nails scraping over the thin fabric as he did so.

“Do you understand the concept of sin, Evfra?” Ryder asked quietly, rubbing at her eye again.

“As well as any other.” Evfra told her in a hum, hooking his thumb in the waistband of her pants. If he tugged at it, he would be able to see the bruises that he'd bitten into her thighs earlier that evening. “Why?”

Ryder clasped her hands together, eyebrows drawing together tightly.

“I'm a sinner, pretending that I'm not.” The words were clunky, and fell from her mouth as if she were vomiting stone. Her breath shook as she took a deep breath, and her tremors doubled when she exhaled. Ryder opened her palms, staring at them as her face folded in on itself in pain. “All the suffering, all the death. All the blood on my hands. I've taken away mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters.” A broken sob left her chest, and Ryder doubled over to bury her face in her hands. “I've become a _monster._ And I have to pretend that I'm okay--that what I'm doing  _okay._ ”

Evfra was quiet for a moment, tilting his head up to look back at the stars. The sky was so vast, glittering like the very treasure it was. Letting his eyes wander back to Ryder, he kissed the side of her neck.

“I never expected this sort of remorse from you, Sara.” Evfra admitted candidly. Ryder nodded, remaining mum. “But I think that I should have; and I should have addressed this earlier. But hindsight, as you humans remind me, is twenty-twenty.”

Ryder actually laughed at this, albeit weakly.

“You're _not_ a monster. Not by a long shot.” Evfra told her, moving a hand to grab hers tightly and drag it from her face. He would have twined their fingers together, if he could have. Beneath it, Ryder's face was reddened and blotchy from crying, and her eyes shone wetly.

Ryder opened her mouth to protest, but Evfra squeezed her hand lightly.

“You have saved an entire galaxy. Your decisions have saved the same people you claim to have killed. The men and women that have died following your orders have died protecting what they love— _who_ they love. Without having to worry about whether they made the right decision. Because _you're_ carrying that burden—that ability to choose—so that they don't have to. They know that long after they're gone, you will still be here, protecting their loved ones.”

“But, Evfra--”

“--no. Sara. You have  to accept the responsibility of ordering good men to their deaths. But you do not need to wallow in sorrow because of it. Don't _berate_ yourself because of it. You want to help these people, and are willing to do what's necessary to achieve your goal. That's why you were chosen to lead them, to make a home for them. Not a lot of people are strong enough to take such a weight on their shoulders.”

Another sob broke free from Ryder, and Evfra sighed.

“As for sinning. It's hard not too.” Evfra told her, squeezing her hand again. “Not when the entire universe has it out for you.” Ryder nodded, using her free hand to wipe at her eyes. Evfra smiled softly when he saw the gold ring around her finger glint in the pale moonlight. Reaching up, he gathered that one in his hand as well. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ryder hiccuped, trying to draw her hands back to her. “Let me wipe my gross face, you jerk. Before I go inside and use your rofjinn.”

“You wouldn't dare.”

“Try me, fish face.” Ryder touted, the corners of her mouth curling into a playful grin. Evfra narrowed his eyes, tightening his grip on her hands.

“I beg your pardon? _Fish_ face? Out of all the animals, I look like a fish the _least._ ” the angaran argued instantly, pulling Ryder over so that she nearly fell in his lap. “Sara.” He murmured as she looked up at him, puffy face and all. She ducked her head down, quickly shoving it into Evfra's chest and wiping her wet face against his shirt.  Evfra let out a disgusted sigh as she did so, but released Ryder's hands so he could wrap his arms around her in a hug.

“Do you like _kitten_ better?” Ryder asked, voice slightly muffled as she hugged Evfra back. Ryder took a moment to fully situate herself on the angaran's lap. Evfra rolled his eyes and pressed a kiss to Ryder's forehead. She slowly tilted her face toward his, lips turning up into a trembling smile. “Thank you, by the way.”

“No thanks needed. I am yours when you need me—whether that be in times when your heart is light, or on the days that your heart is heavy.” Evfra pressed a kiss to the bridge of her nose, feeling it tighten beneath his lips in a loose scrunch. He kissed at her swollen eyelids next, then over her cheeks. Evfra trailed a line of kisses down her jaw until he met her lips and captured them; they were wet and cold from her crying.

“I love you.” Ryder murmured against his lips when he pulled away. “I love _you._ ” She reiterated, punctuating her statement with a firm kiss. “Who knew that you were this sweet under all that yelling?” Evfra gave a low chuckle and shook his head.

“I don't think anyone had that knowledge. Not even myself.” He gently put a hand to Ryder's cheek, stroking the tear-soaked skin. “Not until you. My taoshay. My shining, sparkling star.” Ryder giggled and wiggled her hips against his.

“We should go inside. It's _freezing_ out here.” Ryder suggested, shaking Evfra's limbs free from her so she could stand and begin her ascent up the stairs and back into the warm house. Evfra cocked an eye-ridge at her in question, before slowly rising as well. A tired, sore groan left him as a dull ache spread through his lower back. “I need some hot cocoa to warm be back up. Wanna cup?”

“I could use one.” Evfra told her, lightly twisting his body to ease the pain. Ryder regarded him lightly, and gave him an unsure smile.

“We're both getting old, aren't we?” Ryder asked, offering the angaran a hand. “What's it been old man? Five, ten years since we met?” Evfra shrugged, rolling his shoulders back.

“We're not that old, Sara.” Evfra argued, but took the hand the hand that she offered him. “And it's been eleven. I've been keeping count.” Ryder snorted at this.

“And why's that?” She asked, leading him back inside. Evfra let out a thoughtful hum, watching Ryder sway through the open doorway and into the hall. Pictures lined it—Evfra had considered them silly little mementos at first, but had grown to love them as the years went by. They were a wonderful way to keep memories. _Their_ memories.

“If after years of watching your life go by, you finally got to live it—wouldn't you try and remember every day? Note each one down in your mind, track each hour?” Evfra asked lightly. Ryder froze in her tracks and turned; the dim light of the kitchen traced the edge of her face and illuminated the shock on her face.

“You know what, Evfra?” Ryder said after a moment, tightening her grip on his fingers. “I think I would.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Want to stay updated? Click [here](http://everyday-im-preaching.tumblr.com/) to stay in the know!


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